Coast And Castles

An odyssey from the Millennium bridge Newcastle to the Forth road bridge Edinburgh.

written by Stan Feerick 

Chapter 1 It’s all about the bike.

I’m not one to contradict the master but in this case - Lance you are wrong!  Last spring whilst drifting along the country lanes with the Bury section I mentioned my plans to ride the Sustrans Coast & Castles. Like most saddle dreamt schemes it drifted off the agenda into the ‘someday next year pile’. This year the Coast & Castles was heading for a repeat performance of apathy when on another section ride ‘The Hood’ happened to ask how my plans were coming along. I had to admit to very little progress other than once giving it a passing thought. He said he fancied the route and why don’t I open it to the section. ‘Good idea, leave it with me I’ll sort it’ I said. Tricky contortion that - arse on saddle, foot in mouth.

I had a mission that Tom Cruise would be scared to take on.  In these hi tech days of interweb Astroturf and P-GPS and the like, you’d think a monkey could book his piano on a train let alone a bike. I ‘Googled’ rail network and quickly learnt that British Rail has passed away, to be replaced by a dog’s breakfast of transpennine cross country virgins. I did learn however, that from “round ‘ere” Leeds is the gateway to the East Coast but Edinburgh has a direct line to Bolton.  

A few strokes of the keyboard finds a train ticket site. I type in Outward Rochdale to Newcastle--- Return Edinburgh to Bolton. When the price was displayed I had to check that I was on the rail web site not the private heliport. Try again, search for ‘cheap train travel’ I thought keep it simple--- one way Rochdale to Newcastle. Price came back £68 each, change at Leeds. Beggar that, I thought, we’ll ride to Leeds. I type one way Leeds to Newcastle. £16 each came the answer.

Now geography isn’t my strong suit, but Rochdale to Leeds is a lot less than Leeds to Newcastle. I type Rochdale to Leeds and £12 each came back. Arithmetic isn’t my strong suit either but 16+12 is not 68.  Everyone knows buying in bulk is cheaper, so I try again. Rochdale to Newcastle.  Still £68 each.  I note these fascinating facts and move on.

Type Edinburgh to Bolton. £10 each came back. I won’t be shocked, I just noted the price and moved on. Looking back, that bit was as slick as a Dura-Ace shifter compared to getting three bikes on the train. None of the ticket web sites have a ‘how many bikes box’ to tick - well you wouldn’t expect that would you?

I ring that confusingly named ‘HELP’ line. It transpires that I would be buying tickets from three different rail companies so I need to arrange for cycle space from each at the appropriate time. They inform me which carrier did which route, but as different carriers use the same route at different times that was a fat lot of help. A mere hour’s clicking found which train company would be used for each leg of the journey. So just get the cycles booked in then!

Losing the will to live I thought ‘sort the Leeds Newcastle first, if necessary we can ride to Leeds.’  I rang the appropriate ‘help’ line to be answered by an automatic human interface with a voice like Joanna Lumley in syrup. ‘Hello I can help you with……’ and came out with a sickening list of drivel, non of which had any relevance to our chosen mode of transport. In frustration I yelled ‘ I just want to get three bloody bikes on your bloody train.’  ‘I did not get that’ was the reply ‘press 1 for this, 2 for that, 3 for the other, and 4 to speak to an adviser.’

I pressed 4.  A delightful young lady, with a delightful ‘Bollywood’ accent said ‘my name is Mary how can I help you today.’ ‘I’d like to arrange space for three cycles on the train from Leeds to Newcastle.’ ‘I do not understand you, what do you want?’ ‘I’d like to arrange space for three cycles on the train from Leeds to Newcastle.’ ‘You want to make the journey three times in cycle.’ ‘No, No, I’d like to arrange space for three cycles on the train from Leeds to Newcastle.’ After three or four goes at it she gave me a new number to ring.

Bloody Joanna again ‘Hello, I can help you with………’   I waited then pressed 4 again. Oh no it’s Mary again ‘how can help you today?’  I said ‘look, I am arranging a cycling trip. I just want to arrange to get our bikes on the train.’ She said ‘ cycle… bike … you mean bicycle, you want to take your bicycle on the train?’ Full of hope ‘yes, yes’ I said. ‘I cannot help you with that you must ring…….’ Beggar that I thought, that’s Joanna’s number.

Think outside the box I thought. Back to the web. I found on the rail company site a link for group booking. I reasoned that group booking equals big money. Maybe, just maybe, big money would lead to someone who knows which way is up. A long shot I know, but I’m desperate now. Well it paid off, I got through to a chap who was spot on.

He told me I was on the wrong number, but before he went off I relayed my experience to date. I told him about Joanna, Mary from Bombay, cycles and geography and arithmetic. I even invited him to our house for Christmas dinner. He gave in, he told me there is a special department dedicated to helping (misleading) cyclists. Unfortunately they are not open at the moment (they only open Wednesdays at 13 o’clock on the eve of a full moon when there is an R in the month). He told me he could access their system and tell me what they would say if ever I got through to them. He said he could even reserve a booking on the system for me to confirm with them later. Cloak and dagger but hey, go with the flow. He was on a roll now. Showing off a bit he bragged he could even look at what other train companies would say – again, should I ever get through. 

After ten minutes clicking and cursing he gave up on Rochdale to Leeds. He said ‘look it just ain’t going to happen. Leeds to Newcastle I can get two of you on the train’ he boasted. ‘There’s three of us!’ I exclaimed, ‘hey this ain’t my job’ he said, ‘ok ok you’re really fab’ I said ’just keep trying’ I pleaded. A few more clicks and curses he came back and said, ‘I think I can get two of you on one train and the other one on the next but…but you will probably get all three on the first train with two reservations.’ This was looking like the best I was going to achieve, even this special agent on the inside could not actually make the reservation so what chance have I.

I waited for the full moon and made these half baked arrangements. Now these fabulous arrangements for the bikes are made (no force on earth is going to get me to change them) all I need to do is book tickets for us to match these bike reservations. If you are guessing, ‘that’s not going to be easy’ I think you might be psychic.

Back to the computer to do battle. Remember I have two bikes reserved on one train and one bike reserved on the next train. I go to the site I originally found the better priced tickets; I look up Leeds to Newcastle, it’s critical now that I book the right train because the cycle reservation is specific to one particular train. The price of tickets for the first train was £16 each but these tickets are also specific to one train; the ticket for the next train is £28 each. Now we might get all three bikes on the first train but we would not have three tickets, if I get three tickets for this train I might not get all three bikes on. I could buy an open ticket that would get you on any train but they cost £68 each.

Sherlock Holmes said “if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”  Well as smart as he was you never saw him get a bike on the train did you.  The solution is simple, well simple-ish. I book two tickets for the first train, one ticket for the second train and we just try to blag our way on to the first train with just two cycle reservations and two valid tickets.

Will we get away with it?!!! The second part to appear here soon.

Stanley Feerick